It....Is...Over

It is over and it was hard! I am referring to Christmas. I have been dreading this holiday since my brother's passing and it was everything I had anticipated. The worst part about it was that the sadness didn't subside. I thought I would feel a sense of relief once the holiday was over but I didn't. I still have this emptiness...this hole. I did hear that the pain doesn't ever get easier but it gets better. This is my new normal. My families new normal and it sucks.

Although our new normal isn't ideal, and definitely not what I envisioned for my family,  I still thank God for these blessings in this photo. They are what continue and will continue to keep me sane during this season and every other season to follow. They definitely have my brother's light shining through them and for that I am eternally grateful. 

                                                                             

The First Few Days

This is going to seem like a jumbled post, it even feels jumbled as I am writing it. But, this photo brings up a whole mix of memories.

This is such a sad photo for me. My son, Charlie, actually took this with his iPad a few days after my brother's passing. It's not very easy to tell but I have my brother's dog, Scout, curled up in my arms while I am napping. This photo brings me back to the events that occurred weeks after my brother going to heaven. Although most of it was a blur, a few things stand out that I feel compelled to share. I remember...

• I remember the night that we found out about Manny's accident, my other brother Jimmy, began staying at our house. It brought me such comfort having him there...I believe it brought us all comfort. He stayed for a few days and the peace that it brought was priceless.
• I remember my mom and her Fiancé, Jim, would come over right when they woke up in the morning and would stay until it was time to go to bed in the evening. I even remember Jim taking naps on our couch. He  and my husband were amazing through all of this. They were busy making the phone calls and arrangements that my mom and I were unable to. 
• I remember my mom and I would sit at my kitchen table staring at our computers trying to plan my brother's memorial. I remember feeling so flustered and not even knowing where to start. We had so many things started but never knew how to complete them. We were lost.
• I remember hating the evenings, when I knew it was time for my mom to go home. I despised the quiet, the silence. It was the time when I had to face the reality.
• I remember finding peace sitting outside by the pool. I would wait for everyone to go to bed and just sit with my feet dangling in the water and cry. That was my first experience with "moon beams."
• I remember also finding comfort in my son's room. I vividly recall reminding myself that if I miss Manny, I could go into Charlie’s room and cuddle with him. I felt my brother's presence so strongly in there, and that was always nice to have a "go to" if I was awoken with sadness.

Those days were awful. I needed my family more in those weeks than I have ever needed anyone more in my entire life. This picture reminds me....reminds me of the pain, but it also reminds me to take it one day at a time. I am strong and although our triangle is broken it once existed and it will exist again.