Lifetime of Memories

When I hear the phrase "a lifetime of memories," I automatically assume it is referring to a person that has lived a long time. Someone that has experienced a lot in their "lifetime." A person that has encountered a lot of joy, mixed with pain. One that has had many life lessons. When I think of this phrase "a lifetime of memories," I now have a different perspective. I do not refer to the length of time that someone was here.

I have a lifetime of memories with my brother. It was his lifetime. It was short, but it was jampacked with memorable experiences....some of which I will never know. 

When I hear "lifetime," I will remember that it refers to a person's legacy, their experiences. It is the smile that they left in your heart. It is their footprint that they left in this world-

and Manny's imprint is deep. 

Maybe Someday

What is the purpose of my blog? I think about this question often. In all honesty, I created this outlet because in the first few months of losing my brother, I felt alone. I wanted to know that someone understood my pain of  loosing a sibling. We all have suffered loss. Not one type of grief is more or less painful than the other (well, than the obvious of loosing a child) but,  they are all distinctively different.  

I wanted to hopefully reach just one person. Someone who needed it. Someone like me. Who needed to feel that their pain was heard or somewhat understood.

I always wondered what I would feel like looking back and reading my old blog posts. Right now, when I go back and read past posts it always brings tears to my eyes. I guess I’m hoping to eventually seek growth and to remember..to remember what I felt, who I was at my most trying time in my life, and hopefully how much I have learned. I am hoping to see how much I have evolved, how much I have overcome.

Manny would not want me to bow down to this pain, to this grief. He would want me to seek my highest self. Manny would want me to realize or understand that their is a bigger picture. A plan.

Maybe someday.

Maybe someday, I can see beyond my grief, or at least learn to live and smile with a shattered heart. Maybe someday I can reflect on my experiences and see them with a different perspective. 

It’s Okay

It’s okay.

What I have learned through my grieving process is it’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to be pissed off at my circumstances.

It’s okay to feel the way I am feeling, because grief has no timeline. 

It has no expectations.

It comes in waves...hard crashing waves. 

And yet, it’s always there...

Whispering quietly in your ear.

This is my journey.

My personal healing process.

Every emotion is okay.

What I’m feeling today, tomorrow and the next, is okay.

It’s okay to not be okay. 

This is grief.

Seek to Understand

Wait to respond. Listen with intention. Seek to understand. So often we are waiting for a pause, a brief moment when someone finishes their statement. This break allows us the opportunity to express our own thoughts or opinions. One of Manny's amazing qualities was that he listened. He really listened. When he asked how your day was, he genuinely wanted to know. He gave you eye contact and would make you feel as if you were the most important person in that moment. Manny gave advice but also just sat in silence...listening. Really hearing you. I am going to try to pass this along to my boys. Pause before responding. Listen with intention. Do not just await the end of someone’s response. Ask questions that you really care to know the answers to. Listen with the best intentions in mind. 

Seek to understand.