Have you ever started a conversation off strong and then got that horrible ache in your throat and not be able to continue? That is how many, if not almost all of my conversations about Manny go. I absolutely love talking about him but that also comes with such deep sadness. I do not want people to think that because I often cannot say his name without tearing up that I do not want to mention him. Quite the contrary. It honestly doesn't make me feel any worse or more sad bringing him up throughout my day. However, I do get self conscious about whether or not I can get a story or a statement out without crying. I feel fragile....vulnerable.
Yesterday was a prime example. I was sharing a story with my students about an owl that we saw on our family walk. It was an incredibly large creature that was hanging out on the street pole and we noticed him while coming home from visiting Manny's tree at the park. The students knew exactly what park I was talking about and just as I was getting ready to share with them that there is a tree there in honor of my brother...I couldn't. The fear of even one tear streaming down my face in front of my students scared me. I know it is okay to cry, it is in fact good for my own children to see me cry. It shows them about deep love, deep sorrow, and most importantly that I am still going to be okay. That crying is okay. That missing Manny is okay.
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