My Day

 

My birthday, my one special day. The older I get the less of a hang up I have with making sure my birthday is perfect. Especially now that I share the same birthday week as my son. It seems far more important to make sure his day is more special than my own.

I do have an awesome memory of my last birthday with my brother. My mom would make sure that both of my brothers knew that my birthday was approaching. She would often even buy my gift from them to make sure it was just what I wanted. Last year, while we were eating at Oreganos, I was opening my present from my brother. Manny leans over asking what it was and looking surprised with the shirt that was wrapped inside. I had to remind him that the gift was supposed to be from him. We both laughed about it and went on with our lunch. Little did I know that that simple memory would bring a smile to my face and some peace a year from then.

This birthday was a very different day for me. Although the week was filled with so many fun activities, there was still something missing. Our family would always do at least one birthday lunch, if not travel somewhere out of town together. We did both of those things this year but without Manny. My heart ached the entire day. I couldn't shake away the heaviness in my chest. I have never in my life gone an entire birthday without hearing from my brother. It was yet another painful reminder of our new reality.

The One and Only

My sweet Jimmy, the one and only, the middle child, the most intelligent, sensitive human I have ever met! 

I couldn’t help but snapping this photo of my brother playing with the boys last weekend. I have been so blessed to be a big sister to two amazing humans. I know I write a lot about my youngest brother, Manny, for obvious reasons. But make no mistake, my Jimmy means the world to me. He is the other part of our sibling triangle, a very important part.  Jimmy will never truly know how much of a rock he has been to me and the boys.  He plays a critical role in our lives. He has been their loving uncle in a time when our family is shattered and has a gaping hole.

He is my sit in the freezing, rainy weather to watch Charlie play football brother...

he is my friend.

Better Days

There are better days.

Days that you don't put so much pressure on yourself. Days when you just get on the floor and play. Days where you snuggle and watch Mickey. Days that you quiet your thinking mind. Days that you  take in the beauty of the world and the family around you. Days that you stop and smile.

Days that you go inward and check in. Check in to make sure that you are living your best life with the circumstances that are beyond your control. There are better days.

Speechless

The other night, while laying in bed, my six year old had his eyes filled with tears. He fought out the words, " I just want to play with Uncle Manny one more time."

I had no idea what to say. I was speechless. What is the correct parenting response? Let me rephrase...what is the correct parenting response when you too are grieving and want to see your brother one more time?

Heart wrenching.

It is one thing to grieve so deeply yourself but to watch that grief in your own child is devastating. I went with the quick response that never really helps, "He is still here with you. Watching over you." What six year old wants to hear that? Of course I believe this to be true, but that doesn't help or ease the want to hug, play, or even see his Uncle Manny. Anyone who has lost someone can understand that the above statement comes from a place of love but truly doesn't make the pain lessen.

 I guess this is our new normal. Having my child grieve at such a young age is so upsetting but I understand that is part of his journey. I just have to find the strength to answer his tough questions and be there in his tough moments. It took me out of my own tunnel of grief and opened my eyes to the grief around me. One...Day...At...A...Time.