In these photos, my brother is freely floating in the air, letting go of any fear that he had of the sky diving experience. This was such a fun shared birthday celebration for Manny and my husband, Jason. My mom got them the birthday gift of indoor sky diving. They had such a blast, and you can see from the smiles on their faces, while holding their certificates, how accomplished they felt. This bottom photo is such a sweet reminder to always take a moment for those that matter most. You can't see Charlie's expression from the photo, but he was in pure awe watching his uncle Manny float through air. He always admired Manny and I loved that Manny always took the time to show Charlie just how special he was to him.
First of all, I LOVE Schitts Creek! If you haven’t watched the series multiple times, you must. It’s even funnier the second, and third time around. This particular scene reminded me of my relationship with my brothers. We had very similar playful interactions. I have many of these memories but I will only share a few that bring a smile to my face.
My family went to see Dr. Phil live, totally on a budget (which by the way made it even more fun). All five of us shared a one bedroom hotel room in Los Angeles. The room must have been used once as a cleaning facility, or something other than a normal hotel room. I am not sure how they were able to say that it comfortably slept five. It was one open room with an extension that looked like it was once a closet (with the door taken off) that had a small twin mattress inside. Of course, Manny got that bed- he was the baby, easy going- especially on vacation, so he often got the least desirable sleeping arrangement. Since it was one open room, we could all still see each other when we slept, but I jokingly called it the "coffin room." This name ended up scaring my brother Manny and....myself. I can still remember seeing his size 13 feet dangling at the end of the bed from the opening in the "coffin room." Might be hard to understand the silliness in this memory, but it is special to me.
This is not the exact room, this must have been after some updating or remodeling. But, the opening is where the bed would have been.
We would also playfully joke about who was going to get mom's rocking chair when she passed away. One time, when Manny and I were discussing it I told him, "Fine. You can have it. But remember...mom will come by and visit you. You might even see the chair rocking by itself at night." It was at that moment that we both weren't sure if we wanted it.
Oh, how I miss our playful interactions. I miss my brother.
After my brother's passing, I couldn't help but feeling that my faith was “lost.” Maybe my faith was tested explains it better.
Even before my brother's accident, when my family was continuing to attend church on a regular basis, I couldn't help but thinking, "No wonder my faith is strong, everything was great in my life." It’s weird... because I just had this suspicion that my faith would eventually be tested by some unforeseen circumstance. Boy, was it! I’ve had a mixture of emotions toward God about losing my brother suddenly and traumatically.
Little by little, day by day, I am remembering the love, the light and the compassion that my faith brings me. Today marked a very special day in my own healing journey. It was a reminder that God is good, all the time. Today, I was able to have my son, Oliver, baptized. It was an intimate affair (due to COVID) but, the meaning and symbolism was overpowering.
I trust God's path for my family....even though I may not understand and/or like some of it. I trust it.
I was just talking to my mom about how I feel completely obsessed with my brother. It is not necessarily sad thoughts either... it is all my thoughts. I think about him for what feels like every waking moment. I smile about him, cry about him, wonder about him ALL day long. This has to be a normal stage in the grieving process right?
Manny is not my only obsession these days though. Yoga is my jam. If and when you are ever dealing with Grief, I highly recommend finding your own healthy outlet. Mine is yoga, my other brother (Jimmy) is bike riding, my husband's is running, and my mom's is rock painting/hiking for Manny. It is extremely therapeutic to have your own time, where you are doing something healthy and loving for yourself. I believe that the healing my mom feels for painting the "Manny Rocks" is linked with the love that Manny is sending to her. He loves that she has found peace in honoring him in such a beautiful way.
My loving message is to find your own self love. It will look different for everyone, but it will bring you the strength you need to take it one day at a time and again find your inner smile.
If you do not know where to start on your journey to self love I have what helps us below:
A month after Manny passed, I started Yoga With Adriene. Manny always practiced yoga with her videos and he would try to talk me into doing it with him. Now, I couldn't imagine my life without this daily practice. They are short YouTube videos that I put onto my TV through the YouTube app. It is wonderful to practice in the comfort of your own home. There is a video for everything! Yoga with Adriene Videos Here
You can hike any of the Thunderbird Conservation Park Trails searching for a "Manny Rock" that my mom has thoughtfully placed there. Thunderbird Mountain Hiking Trails
Have fun on your journey to finding your best self. Namaste friends.
I can relate so much to the waves in these photos. My grief feels like an ocean wave. It subsides (never really goes away) and then returns unexpectedly, with a load crash. I can't help but stop these stinging pains of sadness that creep in, sometimes for no apparent reason. A picture, a song, a breeze, a beautiful moment with my boys, all of these can spark such intense emotions for me. I miss my brother.
The beautiful ocean waves, the remarkable smile on Manny's face and the tranquility the beach brings all help me to remain centered. Remembering the bigger picture. Manny brought us light, love and peace. His free loving spirit is what I need to focus on and follow now more than ever. Maybe it's time to plan a trip to the beach? Or, maybe it is too soon...
