Relax....Loosen Up

I don’t know who else needs to hear this besides me but, “relax...loosen up.” One of the many things I have learned through my brother's passing is not to take life too seriously. This was such a fun moment with my brother when we were working on our pores, and I remember my mom snapping this photo. I begged her not to tag me in on the post because of the way I looked. She didn't tag me but she did post it...and I am so glad she did. Look at our smiles! Life is too short to worry about the filters. Embracing life through the memory of Manny and reminding myself to continue working on my inner smile. 

Important Interactions

 

         

My mom had a really insightful comment yesterday and I do not even think she truly grasped the deepness in which her comment landed. We were talking a couple days ago about my relationship with Manny, about how hard I was on him. There would be things he would tell my mom and make sure that she didn't tell me. In fear of disappointing me. I was hard on Manny and most importantly Manny was hard on himself. I was never the "fun" sister. I was, like I have said before, the second mom. I took my job as an older sister very seriously from the get go. Being a total and complete tattle tale on both of my brother's antics. It wasn't to be the whiny older sister though. It was because I cared. I am a very passionate person. I always have been. I love hard and I am devoted to my family and making sure that they strive to reach their full potential. 

 After that conversation with my mom, I started to have some regrets on my relationship with my brother. Was I too hard on him? Did he know how proud I was of him? Did he know that there was never a problem that he would encounter that I wouldn't be there to help him fix? Did he know I was never disappointed in him? Did he know that his mistakes were nothing more than anyone else in our family has faced? After bringing this back up again with my mom, she said, "That is the way you were meant to be with Manny. If you would have been any other way you would have regretted that." Wow. She is completely right. If I would have been the "fun" sister, I would have always wondered if my lax behavior didn't help my brothers to become the best version of themselves.  

I always knew that are our relationships and connections that we have in life are meant to be. After my moms comment, I realized how much our own behavior toward others are meant to be. The way we treat others has more of an impact than we realize. We may never know why God places people into our life the way he does but we have to trust that it isn't by coincidence.

One....Day...At...A...Time

 

One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. I have repeated this phrase over and over again. There have been terribly sad moments in the last few days. Moments that just hit me out of the blue. If I let my mind wander and think about all the upcoming occasions that my brother will not be here for I get lost. Lost in a mix of emotions. The feeling of bitterness is strong. I get bitter and upset at the lost opportunities that I no longer get experience with my brother. It's hard not to feel like it's just not fair...

 It's in those moments that I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. To not focus too much on the missed out opportunities but the past moments together, the upcoming beautiful opportunities to come, and even the moments right now. 

This picture was the last photo I took with my brother. It is painful to look at. But it reminds me of the love we shared. I was so very pregnant and Manny just thought it was wild! I remember him saying, "That's so crazy sis, you have a human growing in you." Manny just loved love, he loved nature and he loved wonder and I loved that about my brother. His enthusiasm for the the miracles of life and the beauty of our world was inspiring.  I miss you Manny.

Moments That Were Not Pictured

 You never know when your moment is going to change into a moment of deep sadness. When your thoughts will change to tears. Tears that are uncontrollable, for the lack of better words, "ugly cry." I cannot imagine that I am the only one that feels this way while grieving the loss of a loved one. These pictures below were posted in the particular order in which they were taken. I wanted to be completely candid and aware/appreciative of the ordinary moments. The moments that I am so grateful to have pictures of. Even though the moments might not be the most flattering of me, they are me, they are my life, my beautiful life. 

I was surrounded by such sadness today when I thought of the pictures that I had with my brother. Particularly the three of us (Jimmy, Manny, and me).  I couldn't help but feel guilt, guilt for not taking as many pictures as I could. Little did I know that those memories would be what I hold onto so dearly today. I started to go into a dark place this afternoon. While reflecting on my lack of picture taking with my brother,  I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming sense to not focus on the photos so much as the memories. I hope that is true. I am just so afraid of forgetting such precious moments with my brother. Lesson to all, take the pictures.

 No...I don't know if that advice is right. I feel a strong pull to just be in the moment. To not always be the one taking the pictures, to take a step back and enjoy the moment.

There are so many amazing moments that I had with my brother that were never pictured and I have to believe that that's okay. As long as I don't forget them as the years pass. Lord, Manny, friends, and family, I call on your help to keep Manny's memory alive and to help us all remember those irreplaceable moments. The moments that were not pictured.

My Mantra

 Do you believe in the above statement?  I am not sure how I feel about it. But for some reason my mantra this week has been strength. I can't help but starting to notice myself becoming physically strong as a result of my daily yoga practice. Since my Sedona trip in August, I have not missed a day of my morning yoga. The beautiful thing about yoga is it also makes me feel mentally strong. Connecting and building my mind, body, and soul. Lately, I have been whispering to myself, "I am strong." It may sound silly but if you haven't whispered a positive mantra to yourself I highly recommend trying it. I am honestly not sure who or what is giving me this inner strength. But I will take it,  hold it tight, and use some as a reserve to pull from it when the feelings start to shift...and they will. I often wonder,  am I grieving properly? I worry about what type of grieving is to come. Am I still numb? Is the reality going to hit me and completely break me? I understand that everybody grieves differently and I obviously have never had a loss in this way. I am just hoping that this inner strength is not a facade, a trick I am playing on myself to escape the painful reality. I don't know. All I know right now is today I am strong.

           

My Saving Grace

               

This little nugget pictured here will never truly understand how much he has been my saving grace, our saving grace. In his first year of life, we have experienced a pandemic and the devastating loss of my brother. Amidst all of that tragedy, he keeps my heart smiling...beating. His energy is so pure and welcoming. When Oliver smiles, he smiles with his entire soul and his mischievous personality is everything my family needs. He completes the Garrett household. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be his mother. Thank you for placing him into my arms at just the right moment, when you knew my world would feel like it was crashing down. Happy birthday my sweet Oliver! Thank you for putting the breath back into my lungs