I Love You Too Much

My Brother,

I have realized that I love you too much to allow your passing to be a lingering darkness.

For you,  I will not have your legacy bring me only sadness. 

I will not allow my thoughts and memories of you to bring me only to tears.

While thinking of you, I will remember to smile.

For you, I will not allow your passing to deteriorate me. I have accepted the fact that it has changed me, broken me, even completely shattered my heart.... but it has also refocused me. It has completely altered my thinking and it has showed me my true strength.

For you, I am willing to work on shifting my grieving, to honoring you the way that I know how- being the best mom, daughter, sister and wife that I can be. 

I will live my life as though I am looking at it through your lens, your point of view. 

For you, I will continue to work on moving forward. I know that you wouldn't want us living our remaining lives broken.

I love you way too much, and for that reason, I will try to live my life happily and find the joy in every single moment. You are worth all of that! I love you that much, to take my selfishness out of my grief and to continue with my journey, because I know that you are here riding the wave with me.

I love you so much!

I am Sorry

To all of the remarkably strong people that have an open hole in your heart this Mother's Day, I am sorry. 

I am sorry that this day is a painful reminder of what you have lost- possibly a beautiful mother in heaven, or in my case a brother.

I am sorry that this day can be a painful reminder of what has changed in your life- no more phone calls,  texts, or mother's day visits from your loved one.

I know that you feel grief everyday, and you continue to move forward.

However, on days like today, you are smacked with reality. 

And to my brother, I am sorry.

I am sorry that I didn't hug you longer last Mother's Day... I had no idea that it would be our last embrace.

To all of the remarkably strong people missing a loved one today, I am sorry.

Mother’s Day Gift

Manny's tree sprouted flowers for the first time since we planted it.  Perfect timing! We believe it is an early Mother’s Day gift to my mom. Manny's gift.

Thank you Mother Nature, Manny, and the all powerful God for gifting these special golden flowers to my beautiful mom.

This tree has so much personality, just like my brother. It continues to bring us joy. 

Keep growing sweet tree.  

Lifetime of Memories

When I hear the phrase "a lifetime of memories," I automatically assume it is referring to a person that has lived a long time. Someone that has experienced a lot in their "lifetime." A person that has encountered a lot of joy, mixed with pain. One that has had many life lessons. When I think of this phrase "a lifetime of memories," I now have a different perspective. I do not refer to the length of time that someone was here.

I have a lifetime of memories with my brother. It was his lifetime. It was short, but it was jampacked with memorable experiences....some of which I will never know. 

When I hear "lifetime," I will remember that it refers to a person's legacy, their experiences. It is the smile that they left in your heart. It is their footprint that they left in this world-

and Manny's imprint is deep. 

Maybe Someday

What is the purpose of my blog? I think about this question often. In all honesty, I created this outlet because in the first few months of losing my brother, I felt alone. I wanted to know that someone understood my pain of  loosing a sibling. We all have suffered loss. Not one type of grief is more or less painful than the other (well, than the obvious of loosing a child) but,  they are all distinctively different.  

I wanted to hopefully reach just one person. Someone who needed it. Someone like me. Who needed to feel that their pain was heard or somewhat understood.

I always wondered what I would feel like looking back and reading my old blog posts. Right now, when I go back and read past posts it always brings tears to my eyes. I guess I’m hoping to eventually seek growth and to remember..to remember what I felt, who I was at my most trying time in my life, and hopefully how much I have learned. I am hoping to see how much I have evolved, how much I have overcome.

Manny would not want me to bow down to this pain, to this grief. He would want me to seek my highest self. Manny would want me to realize or understand that their is a bigger picture. A plan.

Maybe someday.

Maybe someday, I can see beyond my grief, or at least learn to live and smile with a shattered heart. Maybe someday I can reflect on my experiences and see them with a different perspective. 

It’s Okay

It’s okay.

What I have learned through my grieving process is it’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to be pissed off at my circumstances.

It’s okay to feel the way I am feeling, because grief has no timeline. 

It has no expectations.

It comes in waves...hard crashing waves. 

And yet, it’s always there...

Whispering quietly in your ear.

This is my journey.

My personal healing process.

Every emotion is okay.

What I’m feeling today, tomorrow and the next, is okay.

It’s okay to not be okay. 

This is grief.

Seek to Understand

Wait to respond. Listen with intention. Seek to understand. So often we are waiting for a pause, a brief moment when someone finishes their statement. This break allows us the opportunity to express our own thoughts or opinions. One of Manny's amazing qualities was that he listened. He really listened. When he asked how your day was, he genuinely wanted to know. He gave you eye contact and would make you feel as if you were the most important person in that moment. Manny gave advice but also just sat in silence...listening. Really hearing you. I am going to try to pass this along to my boys. Pause before responding. Listen with intention. Do not just await the end of someone’s response. Ask questions that you really care to know the answers to. Listen with the best intentions in mind. 

Seek to understand.

My Day

 

My birthday, my one special day. The older I get the less of a hang up I have with making sure my birthday is perfect. Especially now that I share the same birthday week as my son. It seems far more important to make sure his day is more special than my own.

I do have an awesome memory of my last birthday with my brother. My mom would make sure that both of my brothers knew that my birthday was approaching. She would often even buy my gift from them to make sure it was just what I wanted. Last year, while we were eating at Oreganos, I was opening my present from my brother. Manny leans over asking what it was and looking surprised with the shirt that was wrapped inside. I had to remind him that the gift was supposed to be from him. We both laughed about it and went on with our lunch. Little did I know that that simple memory would bring a smile to my face and some peace a year from then.

This birthday was a very different day for me. Although the week was filled with so many fun activities, there was still something missing. Our family would always do at least one birthday lunch, if not travel somewhere out of town together. We did both of those things this year but without Manny. My heart ached the entire day. I couldn't shake away the heaviness in my chest. I have never in my life gone an entire birthday without hearing from my brother. It was yet another painful reminder of our new reality.

The One and Only

My sweet Jimmy, the one and only, the middle child, the most intelligent, sensitive human I have ever met! 

I couldn’t help but snapping this photo of my brother playing with the boys last weekend. I have been so blessed to be a big sister to two amazing humans. I know I write a lot about my youngest brother, Manny, for obvious reasons. But make no mistake, my Jimmy means the world to me. He is the other part of our sibling triangle, a very important part.  Jimmy will never truly know how much of a rock he has been to me and the boys.  He plays a critical role in our lives. He has been their loving uncle in a time when our family is shattered and has a gaping hole.

He is my sit in the freezing, rainy weather to watch Charlie play football brother...

he is my friend.

Better Days

There are better days.

Days that you don't put so much pressure on yourself. Days when you just get on the floor and play. Days where you snuggle and watch Mickey. Days that you quiet your thinking mind. Days that you  take in the beauty of the world and the family around you. Days that you stop and smile.

Days that you go inward and check in. Check in to make sure that you are living your best life with the circumstances that are beyond your control. There are better days.

Speechless

The other night, while laying in bed, my six year old had his eyes filled with tears. He fought out the words, " I just want to play with Uncle Manny one more time."

I had no idea what to say. I was speechless. What is the correct parenting response? Let me rephrase...what is the correct parenting response when you too are grieving and want to see your brother one more time?

Heart wrenching.

It is one thing to grieve so deeply yourself but to watch that grief in your own child is devastating. I went with the quick response that never really helps, "He is still here with you. Watching over you." What six year old wants to hear that? Of course I believe this to be true, but that doesn't help or ease the want to hug, play, or even see his Uncle Manny. Anyone who has lost someone can understand that the above statement comes from a place of love but truly doesn't make the pain lessen.

 I guess this is our new normal. Having my child grieve at such a young age is so upsetting but I understand that is part of his journey. I just have to find the strength to answer his tough questions and be there in his tough moments. It took me out of my own tunnel of grief and opened my eyes to the grief around me. One...Day...At...A...Time.

A Shed Filled With Memories

Yesterday we visited my brother's storage shed and for my mom and I it was our first time. This is where some of Manny's belongings have been housed. After his passing, everything was a whirlwind and sifting through all of his apartment belongings was not something any of us were ready to encounter.  As the shed rolled up, it literally took my breath away. All of Manny's possessions stored in one confined air conditioned shed. It was too real. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. Seeing his baby blanket broke me...broke my mom. 

We were able to load up both trucks and later on in the evening we opened one of the boxes. It was a miscellaneous one filled with notes, cards, and random small toys (binoculars, cars, and mini skateboards). Although the morning was shattering, going through this box in the evening actually brought us smiles. The randomness in Manny's belongings was a sweet reminder of my brother's playful soul. 

Focusing on the Good

I do acknowledge that people tend to romanticize past experiences and relationships. When it comes to loved ones that have passed, I think this romanticizing of them is such a loving way to only focus on the good that they brought into our world. It is not discarding any pain that they may have had during their life, or even believing that they were completely perfect in all of their decisions. It's just that those pains and mistakes seem so trivial in the grand picture. I will forever choose to only focus on the beauty of my brother's life, because honestly, no other events matter or even come into my mind. I refrain from focusing too much on my brother's actual passing and choose to focus on the beautiful soul that he is and the light that he brought into our lives. I believe this focus is our loved ones way to help keep us sane in this grief stricken new way of life.