Brotherly Love

 

Brotherly love is undeniably special.  I have been so blessed to witness a brother to brother bond with my own siblings and now my two sweet baby boys. It has been heart warming seeing the organic love that these boys share. It’s been instant admiration for Oliver to Charlie as it was from Manny to Jimmy. And instant protection from Charlie over Oliver just as  it was for Jimmy over Manny. These photos are such a great reminder that the brotherly bond begins at a very early age and cannot be broken... even if it's shifted to a spiritual bond.

If You're Bored Than You're Boring

This was our last vacation together as a complete family. I will get into those memories in a later post. It's too painful to reflect on right now. I did, however, want to post this short video that I captured last summer. It really shows how Manny adored his nephew. I am not quite sure what game they were playing, other than the obvious of him rocking him like crazy in a hammock. I am guessing it consisted of some elaborately creative imaginative situation. He made the most simple parts of life enjoyable. He was never bored...anyone who spent time with him knew that he could take a mundane moment and make it picture or video worthy. I hope my boys continue to keep that sparkle and wonder that they have been gifted from Manny and enjoy the everyday moments of life the way he did. 

Perfect Timing

 This beautiful gift came today from my Aunt Jamie. Just on the right day. It was one of those mornings. One that feels heavy. I woke up tired emotionally and physically...and I just felt sad. An overwhelming feeling of sadness that literally is painful in your chest. The bracelet is 100% accurate. A piece of my heart is in heaven. I will slowly work on healing my shattered heart by finding ways to spread peace and love in honor of Manny. That is my life's ambition. To be a good person, raise good people, and continuingly find the good in others. 

Painful Reminder

 

This afternoon I looked down my hall and thought to myself, "We should ask Manny to take our family photo." I have been meaning to do that since Oliver was born to complete our hallway picture wall. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Manny is not here. My chest literally felt heavy and my throat began to ache. I wonder if that "forgetfulness" and painful reminders of reality ever goes away. I'm thinking not...

Teacher Life 2020

 

Well....teaching looks slightly different this year. As stressful as COVID has been,  teaching from home has provided me with some much needed quality time with my family. Especially with the loss of my brother. I am not saying that teaching fourth graders on Zoom has been easy, but it has allowed me the opportunity during my breaks to get some snuggles from these two bundles of joy. I have had to get imaginatively creative with finding space in my home that muffles out the Garrett household noise. The giggles, the barking, the fussing, the "shows" Charlie performs in front on an imaginary audience (Monster Jam, Mask Singer, Football- with lots of flags and penalties). Although it is almost time to return to school, these moments of adjustment that we have had to encounter have helped make my family stronger. I now, more than ever, have realized the things and people that matter to me and my happiness most.

A Little Yoga Goes a Long Way

               

I am not sure if it is my fierce pants, my mindful yoga, or the beautiful light rain we had this morning, but today has started off as a good day. I say "start" not to be negative, but realistic to the place I am at in my healing. I am hour by hour right now. Enjoying and breathing in the moments where the beauty of my life are spotlighted and remarkably identifiable. 

Manny always encouraged my mom and me to practice yoga or exercise everyday. He said even if it is for 10 minutes, it is still better than nothing. And boy was he right! Thank you Manny for bringing me back to the practice. I just wish you were here to cheer me on and show me your yoga moves in mom's backyard or better yet... on the bay in San Diego. That was fun!

Namaste my sweet brother.

Look at the sun shining through the clouds!

Missing Sunday Funday

 

Monday’s are hard.

I now have a whole new meaning to the "Monday Blues."  It’s one more weekend down without my brother. It’s that painful realization that we didn’t see Manny for our weekly Sunday dinner. I didn’t get the opportunity to dangle our feet in the pool watching the boys swim or my favorite... watching Manny chase and play with Charlie. One of my fondest memories was to watch Manny give Charlie a "Roller Coaster Ride." This consisted of Charlie sitting in one of those Little Tikes swings and Manny dragging him through the grass with it, lifting him into the air and spinning him around. To see the smile on both of their faces during this game was absolutely priceless!

Oh, how I miss the the one thing that drove me nuts about my brother...his chewing! What I wouldn’t give to be sitting next to him enjoying a Sunday meal listening to him chew. Sounds weird, I know. I never knew I would miss that so much.

Manny was our garbage disposal. I can vividly remember him standing by the kitchen island testing all the food and being overly complimentary of everything he tasted...even my mom's cooking. We would send him home with loads of left overs and he always said, "Sweet, thanks guys!"

Separated But Not Apart

This photo speaks volumes. It was the day we spread my grandma's ashes out at Crown King several years ago. This picture literally took my breath away when I came across it a few weeks ago. The placement of the three of us is wildly connected to how I feel during this time. I'm holding my mom up, while gathering strength from my brother's hand. Such a beautiful visual and reminder that my brother is here...right here.  Still within my reach, but far enough to not be able to hug, touch, or playfully push. 

 

Tree Huggers

 

These photos were taken years apart, in two different parks, with completely different sets of 

company. The irony between them is undeniable. Manny loved his nephews but definitely had a 

special place for Charlie.

After Manny's passing, the sadness of my boys not being able to have the relationship and amount 

of years that I had with my brother was excruciatingly painful. It was only until I went to a medium 

in Sedona, where she explained to me that my boys will have their own relationship with Manny. It 

will look very different than mine and it may even consist of a more spiritual connection. That was 

a relief. I can continue keeping his memory alive the best way I know how.....and even if I can't put 

into words exactly how much Manny meant to me and my family, that their connection with each 

other will continue to grow.

My  hope for my boys is to be more like Manny...

to continue to take the time out of their day to hug trees, smell flowers, hop fences, run shoe less, 

smile, say good morning, grab their camera and take the photos, mediate, be silly and don't take life 

too seriously!

My First Post

Being that it is my first post, I feel the need to describe my youngest brother, Manny. He is the reason for this blog, the reason I seek healing. 

My brother, Manny, passed away in a tragic car accident on June 27, 2020. Just two months shy of his 27th birthday.  That was the day my family shattered.

In order to truly describe my loss, I want to give you the opportunity to see Manny through my eyes...  as my baby brother.

If you are as blessed as I was to have two younger siblings, you would understand that there are many dynamics to a sibling relationship. We were a triangle. Our own imperfect triangle. It was only after Manny's passing, that I realized how much I am not only going to miss him, but how much I relied on him. He was the extrovert, the one that could spark an honest and GENUINE conversation with anyone. A quality that I have truly come to admire. To sum Manny up in a couple of words seems impossible. He was the most charming person I have ever met, and as cliche as it sounds, he lit up the room when he walked in with the most gorgeous smile that went straight to your soul.  I, on the other hand, was the second mom. I am the protector, their cheerleader, the role model. My other brother, Jimmy is the logical, quiet and incredibly intelligent part of our triangle. Our triangle is broken.

We are now trying to navigate this world...broken. We are trying to be strong for our parents, who have been violently shoved into living in their worst nightmare.

This blog is not only for my healing but the healing of my family.

It will cover many aspects of  my grieving process. Not only honoring Manny's life but also the day to day challenges of continuing on with my life.

If you know me personally, you know that I am a very private individual. This blog is pulling me out of my comfort zone in hopes to help someone else not feel alone during their healing process.