Before You Go

 

This blog is two fold. 

Let's start with my drive to work. The song above, although extremely popular right now, continues to play just at the right moments. Well actually, very sad, intimate moments. Moments, for example, when I am driving by myself on my way to work. "So, before you go." Those lyrics speak to me. What I wouldn't give to have a few more moments with Manny. I am not even sure I would know what to say if I did have the opportunity to say something, "before you go." The blessing with my family is that we always expressed our love for one another. We never left without embracing and saying, "I love you." That is why I am torn. What would I say to Manny? Even saying that statement makes my heart ache. I may not even say anything...just be with him, hug him and again tell him how much I love him. No, I take that back. I would tell him how proud I am of him and what an amazing human being he has grown up to be.

This song and many others that play are subtle reminders that my brother is with me/us.  Is it always going to be such sad, painful reminders that he is not here? Will there ever be a time when you remember a loved one and it brings a smile to your face rather than a painful emptiness in your heart?

And now on a more positive, less painful note. These students pictured will never understand how much they have given me. Chatting with them or holding the other end of the jump rope at recess has been incredibly therapeutic. I am so incredibly thankful for this rewarding position and the eye opener that these children have provided.  They have helped  remind me why I love with my job. 

Connected by Energy

"Your Soul Family, are those that are tuned into your frequency. You sense a strong connection beyond blood or race; you're connected by energy and vibration. Through quantum communication, they intuitively answer your silent call and show up bringing unconditional love and support at the perfect times. You share an understanding …they just get you and what you're thinking about. For those people, be thankful...they are just your reminders from the Universe that on the deepest level of our existence, we are One."

-Kianu Starr

This quote spoke to me for many different reasons and it's words are so powerful that it doesn't require much explanation. I obviously feel such a strong spiritual connection to my brother's energy I always have. I am trying everyday to understand and accept that our connection has changed.  We now have a connection that we can no longer see but can feel.

I also want to acknowledge the other beautiful people in my life. There are people in this world that no matter the distance (literally and figuratively) they are there, bringing unconditional love and support at the perfect time. Below is a picture from one of my dear friends from high school. Although we are separated by distance, we remain connected. Her and her sweet family carved this pumpkin for my brother. Such a sweet reminder of all of the people to be thankful for. Thank you Stefanie Ellis for your continued messages and loving ways to honor my brother. 

Words Without Tears

Have you ever started a conversation off strong and then got that horrible ache in your throat and not be able to continue? That is how many, if not almost all of my conversations about Manny go. I absolutely love talking about him but that also comes with such deep sadness. I do not want people to think that because I often cannot say his name without tearing up that I do not want to mention him. Quite the contrary. It honestly doesn't make me feel any worse or more sad bringing him up throughout my day.  However, I do get self conscious about whether or  not I can get a story or a statement out without crying. I feel fragile....vulnerable.

Yesterday was a prime example.  I was sharing a story with my students about an owl that we saw on our family walk. It was an incredibly large creature that was hanging out on the street pole and we noticed him while coming home from visiting Manny's tree at the park. The students knew exactly what park I was talking about and just as I was getting ready to share with them that there is a tree there in honor of my brother...I couldn't. The fear of even one tear streaming down my face in front of my students scared me. I know it is okay to cry, it is in fact good for my own children to see me cry. It shows them about deep love, deep sorrow, and most importantly that I am still going to be okay. That crying is okay. That missing Manny is okay.

Stages of Grief

This is by far my favorite visual that I have found about the stages of grief. I have been trying to do a lot of reading...who am I kidding, Googling, on the stages.  Trying to make sense of my roller coaster feelings. I often feel like I go through all five stages in one day, one hour sometimes. I even think I have additional stages thrown into the mix.

Just yesterday, I was driving home and I thought to myself, "What would I do if Manny was just at my house hanging out.Giving me a big hug with laughter saying he's sorry, he was just kidding (not really gone to heaven) and his joke got out of hand.” Not a healthy thought I know, and I was trying to make sense of why I would even imagine such a scenario. The only stage I could think of was denial. Which terrified me. Before I saw the visual above, I thought denial was the first stage of grief and I was like, "Oh boy! I am back at the beginning!" 

What is weird about my scenario that I painted for myself, was when I called to tell my mom she had a similar thought earlier in the morning. We both obviously know that our imaginative situations are not true and maybe even not healthy for us. What I find ironic is that we had them on the exact same day. Either 1. We are very in tune to each other 2. Going through a very similar grief cycle or 3. both losing our minds. Maybe a mixture of all three? In all seriousness though, what I am learning is that each day is different, each hour is different, each moment is different. I am living in the never ending cycle of grief but I am making it through with a lot of support and love.

 

Emotional Roller Coaster

 I literally feel like such an emotional roller coaster but I’m assuming that’s normal considering the circumstances. Today and a little bit of yesterday I have felt so much peace. I’m not sure if it is the spiritual conversation/connection that I had with my dear friend Courtney and a mixture of just my brother’s powering presence... but ill take it!  I feel my brother’s energy so much. Not necessarily in the traditional form.. through dreams or anything of that nature. Not to disregard those signs for others because I firmly believe in any and all signs. Actually, I feel like sometimes describing my signs to others cheapens them because they can’t fully understand the “feeling” that comes during the sign. 

My husband hiked camelback today to drop off some of Manny’s Rocks and he said something so empowering after the hike. When he was at the highest peak he felt the closest he would be to Manny. I loved that! A similar comment was made by my mom  when Autumn went sky diving, “She’s up the in clouds with Manny.” So beautiful and profound. Yet, I feel him right here. Next to me. With me. Which brings me peace, yet saddens me at the same time. Confusing to some I know, but the best way I can explain it.

The underlying statement that I want to make is I know my brother is here, I know he hears my prayers to him. I just have to get past the selfishness that encompasses my mourning. 

Fast Approaching

It's that time of year when the weather is starting to shift and the stores are filling with a mixture of holiday décor. I have always loved this season but for the first time in my entire life, I am dreading the upcoming holidays. What do other families do during this time when their family is shattered by a loved one passing? The thought of taking part in the old traditions is utterly painful. Right now we are taking it one holiday at a time... first hurdle is Thanksgiving. This holiday was always very simple for my family, traditional turkey dinner, football on tv, and passing the football around in my mom's backyard. The thoughts of those days make my heart heavy and throat ache. I can't sit at a table with an empty seat. My brother's seat. Too painful. 

Selfless Actions

 

Let me tell you about my aunt, my wonderful  Aunt Carol. I always knew she was an amazing women. She has loved on both my boys and cared for them  while we were working. She has even witnessed Charlie’s first steps. My aunt obviously has a special place in my heart... in all of the Garrett household hearts. These rocks pictured were done by her in honor of Manny. I can’t begin to thank her enough or explain how her love and kindness has made my entire family feel, especially my mom. We will be eternally grateful for all of her selfless actions during this  traumatic shift in our lives. I almost said time or chapter. But this isn’t a chapter that goes away or gets better... this is a shift. We must learn to shift what we once knew as our lives to living with a gaping hole.

 We have had a lot of people send love and support, which we have truly appreciated. But in regards to my aunt, I am not surprised by her actions, just truly grateful to have her in our lives. And isn't she amazingly creative!

 Thank you to everyone that has been there for my mom and my entire family. Supporting her by painting/ moving Manny’s rocks to a special place, sharing memories with her, or just sending a text message checking in. 

Thank you for loving on us and helping us honor my brother.

Walking Towards the Sunset

I will never under estimate the power of a simple walk. It’s even better when it is accompanied with a beautiful Arizona sunset. It is wildly therapeutic. We gather the whole Garrett gang and any other friends and family that are with us and head out...even if it’s just around the block. It would be much easier to sit on the sofa after working all day but that doesn’t bring me the fresh air or the great conversation with my husband.  The loving talks as we bask in how adorable our boys are. I would be missing out on the leash pull from my dog, when a bunny races by and the shrieks of excitement from Charlie when he spots the new Halloween decorations up around the neighborhood. It is and will continue to be a part of my healing. A step away to breathe.

Quiet Reminders

 

I love when I get random memories/ quiet reminders of past events. Memories that I have "forgotten" that come up out of nowhere. I can't help but think this is my brother giving me a gentle touch to help remember the quiet times we shared. The ones that were not photographed... the average days. Those average days now mean everything, they are all I have to hold onto. I am so grateful for the randomness in which these “forgotten” memories occur.

I was driving to work and a wonderful memory came to me.  Around Christmas time, Charlie got the game Guess Who. He wanted uncle Manny to play with him and of course he did. After the game, Manny confessed to me he had no idea what he was doing and didn't understand the rules so he basically let Charlie win. He and I sat down at the kitchen table and played it together laughing the whole way through. He got up from the game and thanked me for playing/ explaining the game to him. It was a quiet moment of love and appreciation. One that I didn't think I would value as much as I do. It may seem like such a simple memory but to me it's so deep. It explains our relationship. A loving desire to help my brother understand, a motherly, yet bossy bond.

 Autumn, Manny's girlfriend, expressed the same type of experiences. Where random memories pop into her mind that she has "forgotten". I will forever think this is my brother's gentle "push" to focus on the good times, the everyday simple times... the ones that make us smile.

2020 Teaching Here We go...

 

Here we go... my 11th year of teaching. Boy has time changed since I first started my career! Not just in the world but in MY personal world. I definitely have more wisdom than when I started...experienced more hurt, heartbreak, and love. All of which has and will continue to make me stronger. I now have a whole new outlook to teaching. I remember how my brother was so proud of my career. He didn't understand why I let the politics of the job get to me. I am just now starting to understand. Trying not to let the normal day to day paperwork or the negativity dampen my love of actually teaching. Remembering why I went into this career. Remembering when I would teach my brothers in my parent's garage with a chalk board that my dad so graciously hung on the wall. I will remember begging my parents for an overhead projector when I was nine for Christmas. I was born to be a teacher, it is in my blood. I will not let this world dampen my spirit. I will continue to remember my brother's words and admiration in regards to  my job. I will continue to focus on the students...making a difference the best way that I know how. The world needs more people like my brother and I am going to make certain that I continue to foster each child's unique strengths and personalities. Manny finally gets to see me in teacher action and I am going to make him proud...I know he will guide me and help me to remember the bigger picture.

My Moonbeams

I never realized the power and energy of the moon. I guess I didn't take the time to pay attention to it. I always recognized the beauty but was too “busy” to experience it.  It wasn’t until a couple of days after my brother’s passing that I stood outside....alone, staring at the moon. It was transforming. I highly recommend getting your “moonbeams” when you get the opportunity. Stand (or sit) alone, stare at the moon with your arms open at your side and challenge yourself to be vulnerable and to feel the energy, to really feel.  To put your ego aside and be present (no matter how silly it feels) and appreciative of the moment and of one of God’s greatest creations. It’s empowering and makes me feel so connected to my brother’s energy. I love me some moonbeams and want to spread awareness to the serenity of the moon.