Seek to Understand

Wait to respond. Listen with intention. Seek to understand. So often we are waiting for a pause, a brief moment when someone finishes their statement. This break allows us the opportunity to express our own thoughts or opinions. One of Manny's amazing qualities was that he listened. He really listened. When he asked how your day was, he genuinely wanted to know. He gave you eye contact and would make you feel as if you were the most important person in that moment. Manny gave advice but also just sat in silence...listening. Really hearing you. I am going to try to pass this along to my boys. Pause before responding. Listen with intention. Do not just await the end of someone’s response. Ask questions that you really care to know the answers to. Listen with the best intentions in mind. 

Seek to understand.

My Day

 

My birthday, my one special day. The older I get the less of a hang up I have with making sure my birthday is perfect. Especially now that I share the same birthday week as my son. It seems far more important to make sure his day is more special than my own.

I do have an awesome memory of my last birthday with my brother. My mom would make sure that both of my brothers knew that my birthday was approaching. She would often even buy my gift from them to make sure it was just what I wanted. Last year, while we were eating at Oreganos, I was opening my present from my brother. Manny leans over asking what it was and looking surprised with the shirt that was wrapped inside. I had to remind him that the gift was supposed to be from him. We both laughed about it and went on with our lunch. Little did I know that that simple memory would bring a smile to my face and some peace a year from then.

This birthday was a very different day for me. Although the week was filled with so many fun activities, there was still something missing. Our family would always do at least one birthday lunch, if not travel somewhere out of town together. We did both of those things this year but without Manny. My heart ached the entire day. I couldn't shake away the heaviness in my chest. I have never in my life gone an entire birthday without hearing from my brother. It was yet another painful reminder of our new reality.

The One and Only

My sweet Jimmy, the one and only, the middle child, the most intelligent, sensitive human I have ever met! 

I couldn’t help but snapping this photo of my brother playing with the boys last weekend. I have been so blessed to be a big sister to two amazing humans. I know I write a lot about my youngest brother, Manny, for obvious reasons. But make no mistake, my Jimmy means the world to me. He is the other part of our sibling triangle, a very important part.  Jimmy will never truly know how much of a rock he has been to me and the boys.  He plays a critical role in our lives. He has been their loving uncle in a time when our family is shattered and has a gaping hole.

He is my sit in the freezing, rainy weather to watch Charlie play football brother...

he is my friend.

Better Days

There are better days.

Days that you don't put so much pressure on yourself. Days when you just get on the floor and play. Days where you snuggle and watch Mickey. Days that you quiet your thinking mind. Days that you  take in the beauty of the world and the family around you. Days that you stop and smile.

Days that you go inward and check in. Check in to make sure that you are living your best life with the circumstances that are beyond your control. There are better days.

Speechless

The other night, while laying in bed, my six year old had his eyes filled with tears. He fought out the words, " I just want to play with Uncle Manny one more time."

I had no idea what to say. I was speechless. What is the correct parenting response? Let me rephrase...what is the correct parenting response when you too are grieving and want to see your brother one more time?

Heart wrenching.

It is one thing to grieve so deeply yourself but to watch that grief in your own child is devastating. I went with the quick response that never really helps, "He is still here with you. Watching over you." What six year old wants to hear that? Of course I believe this to be true, but that doesn't help or ease the want to hug, play, or even see his Uncle Manny. Anyone who has lost someone can understand that the above statement comes from a place of love but truly doesn't make the pain lessen.

 I guess this is our new normal. Having my child grieve at such a young age is so upsetting but I understand that is part of his journey. I just have to find the strength to answer his tough questions and be there in his tough moments. It took me out of my own tunnel of grief and opened my eyes to the grief around me. One...Day...At...A...Time.

A Shed Filled With Memories

Yesterday we visited my brother's storage shed and for my mom and I it was our first time. This is where some of Manny's belongings have been housed. After his passing, everything was a whirlwind and sifting through all of his apartment belongings was not something any of us were ready to encounter.  As the shed rolled up, it literally took my breath away. All of Manny's possessions stored in one confined air conditioned shed. It was too real. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. Seeing his baby blanket broke me...broke my mom. 

We were able to load up both trucks and later on in the evening we opened one of the boxes. It was a miscellaneous one filled with notes, cards, and random small toys (binoculars, cars, and mini skateboards). Although the morning was shattering, going through this box in the evening actually brought us smiles. The randomness in Manny's belongings was a sweet reminder of my brother's playful soul. 

Focusing on the Good

I do acknowledge that people tend to romanticize past experiences and relationships. When it comes to loved ones that have passed, I think this romanticizing of them is such a loving way to only focus on the good that they brought into our world. It is not discarding any pain that they may have had during their life, or even believing that they were completely perfect in all of their decisions. It's just that those pains and mistakes seem so trivial in the grand picture. I will forever choose to only focus on the beauty of my brother's life, because honestly, no other events matter or even come into my mind. I refrain from focusing too much on my brother's actual passing and choose to focus on the beautiful soul that he is and the light that he brought into our lives. I believe this focus is our loved ones way to help keep us sane in this grief stricken new way of life.

Missing the Ordinary

 

What I have found to be the worst part about grief is missing the ordinary. Of course I miss my brother during the holidays and special occasions, but it is the missing during everyday moments that is the harshest reality. I was outside in the front yard playing with the boys, when I got a glance at my neighbor's house who had a similar black car to Mannys parked in front. I got this pit in my stomach. I wanted my brother's car to just stroll up to hang out. I miss just being with him for no special occasion. I miss the ordinary days.

This photo is so precious. It was my brother moving out. He was so nervous and excited. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday, when Manny was contemplating his move. We were going shopping with my mom and I played the song, "Rise Up" by Imagine Dragons for him (same song as in his memorial video). The lyrics reminded me of Manny’s personality and the next phase he was entering in his life. Manny’s face lit up because he loved to listen to lyrics and he loved when people showed their affection. I miss that ordinary day. Shopping with my mom and brother, guiding Manny in his next stage of life. What I wouldn't give to have one more car ride with him, one more Sunday dinner, one more visit on the back patio, one more dangle of our feet in the pool, one more hug, one more ordinary day.

Memorial Video

 

 I watched my brother’s memorial video today. I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it after his service. I honestly never thought I would again. It was so beautifully and thoughtfully done but I always have a pit in my stomach, even getting a glimpse at the start page of the video. I thought today watching it that it might bring me some peace. Wrong. It was a gut wrenching pain and reality check. It was a reminder of the beautiful life that my brother lived but with that comes the reminder that he is not here physically with us anymore. Maybe one day I can show my boys the video without becoming a complete sobbing mess. Not today, not tomorrow, not anytime soon.

Finding Your Joy

What do you do when you wake up in a funk? Just not feeling it. Not happy, not sad, just "meh." You work to find your joy.

You remember what makes you happy. Start with the simple things... from the morning iced coffee, to the snuggles with my babies before yoga. I have been consciously trying to find the joy in all of the little things. My new thought process is, if I don't find joy in something than why am I doing it? Life is too short to waste it on "things", people, or activities that don't bring you joy. So, I think and I focus on all of my daily activities and actions. I continue to question myself, "What about this brings me joy?" It has completely shifted my mindset to see even the simplest joys in all things that I do. For instance, walking through the hallways at my work, I love the sounds of the kids chattering in the cafeteria. While driving to work, I love the sound of silence and the beautiful sunrise. Focusing on the joy helps me find peace and brings me comfort in the day to day experiences. My brother was so great at finding the beauty in the simplest things. That was evident in Manny's photography and even in how he would spend his days. He spent his time with the people he loved, it did not matter what they were doing. Manny surrounded himself by people and experiences that brought him joy.

Spread Your Love

 

Happy Valentine's Day. I know it is cliché to say this but I really do not like this holiday. I have never understood it. Shouldn't you show the people you love just how much you adore them everyday? I chose this photo today because it has so much to love in it. My brother in his element, loving life. Laying on the beach, reading a book, and of course smiling. Finding love even within the mundane is a key element in living a freeing life. So buy those flowers, that gift, or even send that loving message unexpectedly to the people you care about, just because. Just because you were thinking of them in that moment. It means more than just delivering that bouquet on "Valentine's Day." Manny would send such loving texts to my mom all the time! They were out of the blue but very frequent. It was beautiful that he made her feel special and was able to clearly express his loving feelings toward her. Actually, Manny never sheltered his loving feelings toward anyone, he never contained his love to just the one day, Valentine's Day. Spread and share your love!

Half Time

Manny's Recording Click Here

 I finally got around to watching the half time Super Bowl. Well, I was more forced into it by my six year old, football fanatic son. I surprisingly started to miss my brother, even among the upbeat music. It reminded me of watching many half time games with him recently and while growing up. But, honestly the hardest part was the memory of my brother getting the opportunity to actually work the Super Bowl. What an amazing experience! I remember Manny was frantically searching for Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies to be presented to Katy Perry. He delivered and he delivered big. He was so proud of that moment. This recording and photo makes me smile. It reminds me of how hard working my brother was. Manny experienced so many cool things, met so many great people, and made so many smile on his short time on Earth. 

Meditating Manny

 I LOVE this photo. Look at my sweet brother. When my mom would tell me about Manny meditating I used to think it was silly....well, not silly, I just didn't understand it. Now, I find it so beautiful. He was always trying to better himself, to seek understanding. He was a dreamer and in every definition of the word a "free spirit." Manny was not going to let anyone, life included, tie him down. He would wake up when he wanted, fall asleep as late as he wanted, and live every moment how he wanted. He could find peace and solace, even in my mom's backyard. My brother had it figured out at such a young age.  How did he learn to be so spiritual, so open, so connected? I envy that in my brother. We all need to have some of our own "Manny Moments" where we sit alone, with our thoughts and in the presence of nature.