I finally got around to watching the half time Super Bowl. Well, I was more forced into it by my six year old, football fanatic son. I surprisingly started to miss my brother, even among the upbeat music. It reminded me of watching many half time games with him recently and while growing up. But, honestly the hardest part was the memory of my brother getting the opportunity to actually work the Super Bowl. What an amazing experience! I remember Manny was frantically searching for Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies to be presented to Katy Perry. He delivered and he delivered big. He was so proud of that moment. This recording and photo makes me smile. It reminds me of how hard working my brother was. Manny experienced so many cool things, met so many great people, and made so many smile on his short time on Earth.
I LOVE this photo. Look at my sweet brother. When my mom would tell me about Manny meditating I used to think it was silly....well, not silly, I just didn't understand it. Now, I find it so beautiful. He was always trying to better himself, to seek understanding. He was a dreamer and in every definition of the word a "free spirit." Manny was not going to let anyone, life included, tie him down. He would wake up when he wanted, fall asleep as late as he wanted, and live every moment how he wanted. He could find peace and solace, even in my mom's backyard. My brother had it figured out at such a young age. How did he learn to be so spiritual, so open, so connected? I envy that in my brother. We all need to have some of our own "Manny Moments" where we sit alone, with our thoughts and in the presence of nature.
In these photos, my brother is freely floating in the air, letting go of any fear that he had of the sky diving experience. This was such a fun shared birthday celebration for Manny and my husband, Jason. My mom got them the birthday gift of indoor sky diving. They had such a blast, and you can see from the smiles on their faces, while holding their certificates, how accomplished they felt. This bottom photo is such a sweet reminder to always take a moment for those that matter most. You can't see Charlie's expression from the photo, but he was in pure awe watching his uncle Manny float through air. He always admired Manny and I loved that Manny always took the time to show Charlie just how special he was to him.
First of all, I LOVE Schitts Creek! If you haven’t watched the series multiple times, you must. It’s even funnier the second, and third time around. This particular scene reminded me of my relationship with my brothers. We had very similar playful interactions. I have many of these memories but I will only share a few that bring a smile to my face.
My family went to see Dr. Phil live, totally on a budget (which by the way made it even more fun). All five of us shared a one bedroom hotel room in Los Angeles. The room must have been used once as a cleaning facility, or something other than a normal hotel room. I am not sure how they were able to say that it comfortably slept five. It was one open room with an extension that looked like it was once a closet (with the door taken off) that had a small twin mattress inside. Of course, Manny got that bed- he was the baby, easy going- especially on vacation, so he often got the least desirable sleeping arrangement. Since it was one open room, we could all still see each other when we slept, but I jokingly called it the "coffin room." This name ended up scaring my brother Manny and....myself. I can still remember seeing his size 13 feet dangling at the end of the bed from the opening in the "coffin room." Might be hard to understand the silliness in this memory, but it is special to me.
This is not the exact room, this must have been after some updating or remodeling. But, the opening is where the bed would have been.
We would also playfully joke about who was going to get mom's rocking chair when she passed away. One time, when Manny and I were discussing it I told him, "Fine. You can have it. But remember...mom will come by and visit you. You might even see the chair rocking by itself at night." It was at that moment that we both weren't sure if we wanted it.
Oh, how I miss our playful interactions. I miss my brother.
After my brother's passing, I couldn't help but feeling that my faith was “lost.” Maybe my faith was tested explains it better.
Even before my brother's accident, when my family was continuing to attend church on a regular basis, I couldn't help but thinking, "No wonder my faith is strong, everything was great in my life." It’s weird... because I just had this suspicion that my faith would eventually be tested by some unforeseen circumstance. Boy, was it! I’ve had a mixture of emotions toward God about losing my brother suddenly and traumatically.
Little by little, day by day, I am remembering the love, the light and the compassion that my faith brings me. Today marked a very special day in my own healing journey. It was a reminder that God is good, all the time. Today, I was able to have my son, Oliver, baptized. It was an intimate affair (due to COVID) but, the meaning and symbolism was overpowering.
I trust God's path for my family....even though I may not understand and/or like some of it. I trust it.
I was just talking to my mom about how I feel completely obsessed with my brother. It is not necessarily sad thoughts either... it is all my thoughts. I think about him for what feels like every waking moment. I smile about him, cry about him, wonder about him ALL day long. This has to be a normal stage in the grieving process right?
Manny is not my only obsession these days though. Yoga is my jam. If and when you are ever dealing with Grief, I highly recommend finding your own healthy outlet. Mine is yoga, my other brother (Jimmy) is bike riding, my husband's is running, and my mom's is rock painting/hiking for Manny. It is extremely therapeutic to have your own time, where you are doing something healthy and loving for yourself. I believe that the healing my mom feels for painting the "Manny Rocks" is linked with the love that Manny is sending to her. He loves that she has found peace in honoring him in such a beautiful way.
My loving message is to find your own self love. It will look different for everyone, but it will bring you the strength you need to take it one day at a time and again find your inner smile.
If you do not know where to start on your journey to self love I have what helps us below:
A month after Manny passed, I started Yoga With Adriene. Manny always practiced yoga with her videos and he would try to talk me into doing it with him. Now, I couldn't imagine my life without this daily practice. They are short YouTube videos that I put onto my TV through the YouTube app. It is wonderful to practice in the comfort of your own home. There is a video for everything! Yoga with Adriene Videos Here
You can hike any of the Thunderbird Conservation Park Trails searching for a "Manny Rock" that my mom has thoughtfully placed there. Thunderbird Mountain Hiking Trails
Have fun on your journey to finding your best self. Namaste friends.
I can relate so much to the waves in these photos. My grief feels like an ocean wave. It subsides (never really goes away) and then returns unexpectedly, with a load crash. I can't help but stop these stinging pains of sadness that creep in, sometimes for no apparent reason. A picture, a song, a breeze, a beautiful moment with my boys, all of these can spark such intense emotions for me. I miss my brother.
The beautiful ocean waves, the remarkable smile on Manny's face and the tranquility the beach brings all help me to remain centered. Remembering the bigger picture. Manny brought us light, love and peace. His free loving spirit is what I need to focus on and follow now more than ever. Maybe it's time to plan a trip to the beach? Or, maybe it is too soon...
It is over and it was hard! I am referring to Christmas. I have been dreading this holiday since my brother's passing and it was everything I had anticipated. The worst part about it was that the sadness didn't subside. I thought I would feel a sense of relief once the holiday was over but I didn't. I still have this emptiness...this hole. I did hear that the pain doesn't ever get easier but it gets better. This is my new normal. My families new normal and it sucks.
Although our new normal isn't ideal, and definitely not what I envisioned for my family, I still thank God for these blessings in this photo. They are what continue and will continue to keep me sane during this season and every other season to follow. They definitely have my brother's light shining through them and for that I am eternally grateful.
This is going to seem like a jumbled post, it even feels jumbled as I am writing it. But, this photo brings up a whole mix of memories.
This is such a sad photo for me. My son, Charlie, actually took this with his iPad a few days after my brother's passing. It's not very easy to tell but I have my brother's dog, Scout, curled up in my arms while I am napping. This photo brings me back to the events that occurred weeks after my brother going to heaven. Although most of it was a blur, a few things stand out that I feel compelled to share. I remember...
I remember the night that we found out about Manny's accident, my other brother Jimmy, began staying at our house. It brought me such comfort having him there...I believe it brought us all comfort. He stayed for a few days and the peace that it brought was priceless.
I remember my mom and her Fiancé, Jim, would come over right when they woke up in the morning and would stay until it was time to go to bed in the evening. I even remember Jim taking naps on our couch. He and my husband were amazing through all of this. They were busy making the phone calls and arrangements that my mom and I were unable to.
I remember my mom and I would sit at my kitchen table staring at our computers trying to plan my brother's memorial. I remember feeling so flustered and not even knowing where to start. We had so many things started but never knew how to complete them. We were lost.
I remember hating the evenings, when I knew it was time for my mom to go home. I despised the quiet, the silence. It was the time when I had to face the reality.
I remember finding peace sitting outside by the pool. I would wait for everyone to go to bed and just sit with my feet dangling in the water and cry. That was my first experience with "moon beams."
I remember also finding comfort in my son's room. I vividly recall reminding myself that if I miss Manny, I could go into Charlie’s room and cuddle with him. I felt my brother's presence so strongly in there, and that was always nice to have a "go to" if I was awoken with sadness.
Those days were awful. I needed my family more in those weeks than I have ever needed anyone more in my entire life. This picture reminds me....reminds me of the pain, but it also reminds me to take it one day at a time. I am strong and although our triangle is broken it once existed and it will exist again.
I don’t know who else needs to hear this besides me but, “relax...loosen up.” One of the many things I have learned through my brother's passing is not to take life too seriously. This was such a fun moment with my brother when we were working on our pores, and I remember my mom snapping this photo. I begged her not to tag me in on the post because of the way I looked. She didn't tag me but she did post it...and I am so glad she did. Look at our smiles! Life is too short to worry about the filters. Embracing life through the memory of Manny and reminding myself to continue working on my inner smile.
My mom had a really insightful comment yesterday and I do not even think she truly grasped the deepness in which her comment landed. We were talking a couple days ago about my relationship with Manny, about how hard I was on him. There would be things he would tell my mom and make sure that she didn't tell me. In fear of disappointing me. I was hard on Manny and most importantly Manny was hard on himself. I was never the "fun" sister. I was, like I have said before, the second mom. I took my job as an older sister very seriously from the get go. Being a total and complete tattle tale on both of my brother's antics. It wasn't to be the whiny older sister though. It was because I cared. I am a very passionate person. I always have been. I love hard and I am devoted to my family and making sure that they strive to reach their full potential.
After that conversation with my mom, I started to have some regrets on my relationship with my brother. Was I too hard on him? Did he know how proud I was of him? Did he know that there was never a problem that he would encounter that I wouldn't be there to help him fix? Did he know I was never disappointed in him? Did he know that his mistakes were nothing more than anyone else in our family has faced? After bringing this back up again with my mom, she said, "That is the way you were meant to be with Manny. If you would have been any other way you would have regretted that." Wow. She is completely right. If I would have been the "fun" sister, I would have always wondered if my lax behavior didn't help my brothers to become the best version of themselves.
I always knew that are our relationships and connections that we have in life are meant to be. After my moms comment, I realized how much our own behavior toward others are meant to be. The way we treat others has more of an impact than we realize. We may never know why God places people into our life the way he does but we have to trust that it isn't by coincidence.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. I have repeated this phrase over and over again. There have been terribly sad moments in the last few days. Moments that just hit me out of the blue. If I let my mind wander and think about all the upcoming occasions that my brother will not be here for I get lost. Lost in a mix of emotions. The feeling of bitterness is strong. I get bitter and upset at the lost opportunities that I no longer get experience with my brother. It's hard not to feel like it's just not fair...
It's in those moments that I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. To not focus too much on the missed out opportunities but the past moments together, the upcoming beautiful opportunities to come, and even the moments right now.
This picture was the last photo I took with my brother. It is painful to look at. But it reminds me of the love we shared. I was so very pregnant and Manny just thought it was wild! I remember him saying, "That's so crazy sis, you have a human growing in you." Manny just loved love, he loved nature and he loved wonder and I loved that about my brother. His enthusiasm for the the miracles of life and the beauty of our world was inspiring. I miss you Manny.
You never know when your moment is going to change into a moment of deep sadness. When your thoughts will change to tears. Tears that are uncontrollable, for the lack of better words, "ugly cry." I cannot imagine that I am the only one that feels this way while grieving the loss of a loved one. These pictures below were posted in the particular order in which they were taken. I wanted to be completely candid and aware/appreciative of the ordinary moments. The moments that I am so grateful to have pictures of. Even though the moments might not be the most flattering of me, they are me, they are my life, my beautiful life.
I was surrounded by such sadness today when I thought of the pictures that I had with my brother. Particularly the three of us (Jimmy, Manny, and me). I couldn't help but feel guilt, guilt for not taking as many pictures as I could. Little did I know that those memories would be what I hold onto so dearly today. I started to go into a dark place this afternoon. While reflecting on my lack of picture taking with my brother, I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming sense to not focus on the photos so much as the memories. I hope that is true. I am just so afraid of forgetting such precious moments with my brother. Lesson to all, take the pictures.
No...I don't know if that advice is right. I feel a strong pull to just be in the moment. To not always be the one taking the pictures, to take a step back and enjoy the moment.
There are so many amazing moments that I had with my brother that were never pictured and I have to believe that that's okay. As long as I don't forget them as the years pass. Lord, Manny, friends, and family, I call on your help to keep Manny's memory alive and to help us all remember those irreplaceable moments. The moments that were not pictured.
