Missing the Ordinary

 

What I have found to be the worst part about grief is missing the ordinary. Of course I miss my brother during the holidays and special occasions, but it is the missing during everyday moments that is the harshest reality. I was outside in the front yard playing with the boys, when I got a glance at my neighbor's house who had a similar black car to Mannys parked in front. I got this pit in my stomach. I wanted my brother's car to just stroll up to hang out. I miss just being with him for no special occasion. I miss the ordinary days.

This photo is so precious. It was my brother moving out. He was so nervous and excited. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday, when Manny was contemplating his move. We were going shopping with my mom and I played the song, "Rise Up" by Imagine Dragons for him (same song as in his memorial video). The lyrics reminded me of Manny’s personality and the next phase he was entering in his life. Manny’s face lit up because he loved to listen to lyrics and he loved when people showed their affection. I miss that ordinary day. Shopping with my mom and brother, guiding Manny in his next stage of life. What I wouldn't give to have one more car ride with him, one more Sunday dinner, one more visit on the back patio, one more dangle of our feet in the pool, one more hug, one more ordinary day.

Memorial Video

 

 I watched my brother’s memorial video today. I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it after his service. I honestly never thought I would again. It was so beautifully and thoughtfully done but I always have a pit in my stomach, even getting a glimpse at the start page of the video. I thought today watching it that it might bring me some peace. Wrong. It was a gut wrenching pain and reality check. It was a reminder of the beautiful life that my brother lived but with that comes the reminder that he is not here physically with us anymore. Maybe one day I can show my boys the video without becoming a complete sobbing mess. Not today, not tomorrow, not anytime soon.

Finding Your Joy

What do you do when you wake up in a funk? Just not feeling it. Not happy, not sad, just "meh." You work to find your joy.

You remember what makes you happy. Start with the simple things... from the morning iced coffee, to the snuggles with my babies before yoga. I have been consciously trying to find the joy in all of the little things. My new thought process is, if I don't find joy in something than why am I doing it? Life is too short to waste it on "things", people, or activities that don't bring you joy. So, I think and I focus on all of my daily activities and actions. I continue to question myself, "What about this brings me joy?" It has completely shifted my mindset to see even the simplest joys in all things that I do. For instance, walking through the hallways at my work, I love the sounds of the kids chattering in the cafeteria. While driving to work, I love the sound of silence and the beautiful sunrise. Focusing on the joy helps me find peace and brings me comfort in the day to day experiences. My brother was so great at finding the beauty in the simplest things. That was evident in Manny's photography and even in how he would spend his days. He spent his time with the people he loved, it did not matter what they were doing. Manny surrounded himself by people and experiences that brought him joy.

Spread Your Love

 

Happy Valentine's Day. I know it is cliché to say this but I really do not like this holiday. I have never understood it. Shouldn't you show the people you love just how much you adore them everyday? I chose this photo today because it has so much to love in it. My brother in his element, loving life. Laying on the beach, reading a book, and of course smiling. Finding love even within the mundane is a key element in living a freeing life. So buy those flowers, that gift, or even send that loving message unexpectedly to the people you care about, just because. Just because you were thinking of them in that moment. It means more than just delivering that bouquet on "Valentine's Day." Manny would send such loving texts to my mom all the time! They were out of the blue but very frequent. It was beautiful that he made her feel special and was able to clearly express his loving feelings toward her. Actually, Manny never sheltered his loving feelings toward anyone, he never contained his love to just the one day, Valentine's Day. Spread and share your love!

Half Time

Manny's Recording Click Here

 I finally got around to watching the half time Super Bowl. Well, I was more forced into it by my six year old, football fanatic son. I surprisingly started to miss my brother, even among the upbeat music. It reminded me of watching many half time games with him recently and while growing up. But, honestly the hardest part was the memory of my brother getting the opportunity to actually work the Super Bowl. What an amazing experience! I remember Manny was frantically searching for Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies to be presented to Katy Perry. He delivered and he delivered big. He was so proud of that moment. This recording and photo makes me smile. It reminds me of how hard working my brother was. Manny experienced so many cool things, met so many great people, and made so many smile on his short time on Earth. 

Meditating Manny

 I LOVE this photo. Look at my sweet brother. When my mom would tell me about Manny meditating I used to think it was silly....well, not silly, I just didn't understand it. Now, I find it so beautiful. He was always trying to better himself, to seek understanding. He was a dreamer and in every definition of the word a "free spirit." Manny was not going to let anyone, life included, tie him down. He would wake up when he wanted, fall asleep as late as he wanted, and live every moment how he wanted. He could find peace and solace, even in my mom's backyard. My brother had it figured out at such a young age.  How did he learn to be so spiritual, so open, so connected? I envy that in my brother. We all need to have some of our own "Manny Moments" where we sit alone, with our thoughts and in the presence of nature.

Taking the Time

 

In these photos, my brother is freely floating in the air, letting go of any fear that he had of the sky diving experience. This was such a fun shared birthday celebration for Manny and my husband, Jason. My mom got them the birthday gift of indoor sky diving. They had such a blast, and you can see from the smiles on their faces, while holding their certificates, how accomplished they felt. This bottom photo is such a sweet reminder to always take a moment for those that matter most. You can't see Charlie's expression from the photo, but he was in pure awe watching his uncle Manny float through air. He always admired Manny and I loved that Manny always took the time to show Charlie just how special he was to him. 

Playful Interactions

Schitt's Creek - "You Get Murdered First!"

https://youtu.be/28D16gVwozs

First of all, I LOVE Schitts Creek! If you haven’t watched the series multiple times, you must. It’s even funnier the second, and third time around. This particular scene reminded me of my relationship with my brothers. We had very similar playful interactions. I have many of these memories but I will only share a few that bring a smile to my face. 

My family went to see Dr. Phil live, totally on a budget (which by the way made it even more fun). All five of us shared a one bedroom hotel room in Los Angeles. The room must have been used once as a cleaning facility, or something other than a normal hotel room. I am not sure how they were able to say that it comfortably slept five. It was one open room with an  extension that looked like it was once a closet (with the door taken off) that had a small twin mattress inside. Of course, Manny got that bed- he was the baby, easy going- especially on vacation, so he often got the least desirable sleeping arrangement. Since it was one open room, we could all still see each other when we slept, but I jokingly called it the "coffin room." This name ended up scaring my brother Manny and....myself. I can still remember seeing his size 13 feet dangling at the end of the bed from the opening in the "coffin room."  Might be hard to understand the silliness in this memory, but it is special to me. 

This is not the exact room, this must have been after some updating or remodeling. But, the opening is where the bed would have been.

We would also playfully joke about who was going to get mom's rocking chair when she passed away. One time, when Manny and I were discussing it I told him, "Fine. You can have it. But remember...mom will come by and visit you. You might even see the chair rocking by itself at night." It was at that moment that we both weren't sure if we wanted it.

Oh, how I miss our playful interactions. I miss my brother.

Lost But Not Forgotten

After my brother's passing, I couldn't help but feeling that my faith was “lost.” Maybe my faith was tested explains it better. 

Even before my brother's accident, when my family was continuing to attend church on a regular basis, I couldn't help but thinking, "No wonder my faith is strong, everything was great in my life." It’s weird... because I just had this suspicion that my faith would eventually be tested by some unforeseen circumstance. Boy, was it! I’ve had a mixture of emotions toward God about losing my brother suddenly and traumatically. 

Little by little, day by day, I am remembering the love, the light and the compassion that my faith brings me. Today marked a very special day in my own healing journey. It was a reminder that God is good, all the time. Today, I was able to have my son, Oliver, baptized. It was an intimate affair (due to COVID) but, the meaning and symbolism was overpowering. 

 I trust God's path for my family....even though I may not understand and/or like some of it. I trust it.

Obsessed

 

I am obsessed.

 I was just talking to my mom about how I feel completely obsessed with my brother. It is not necessarily sad thoughts either... it is all my thoughts. I think about him for what feels like every waking moment. I smile about him, cry about him, wonder about him ALL day long. This has to be a normal stage in the grieving process right?

Manny is not my only obsession these days though. Yoga is my jam. If and when you are ever dealing with Grief, I highly recommend finding your own healthy outlet. Mine is yoga, my other brother (Jimmy) is bike riding, my husband's is running, and my mom's is rock painting/hiking for Manny. It is extremely therapeutic to have your own time, where you are doing something healthy and loving for yourself. I believe that the healing my mom feels for painting the "Manny Rocks" is linked with the love that Manny is sending to her. He loves that she has found peace in honoring him in such a beautiful way. 

My loving message is to find your own self love. It will look different for everyone, but it will bring you the strength you need to take it one day at a time and again find your inner smile.

If you do not know where to start on your journey to self love I have what helps us below:

• A month after Manny passed, I started Yoga With Adriene. Manny always practiced yoga with her videos and he would try to talk me into doing it with him. Now, I couldn't imagine my life without this daily practice. They are short YouTube videos that I put onto my TV through the YouTube app. It is wonderful to practice in the comfort of your own home.  There is a video for everything! Yoga with Adriene Videos Here
• You can hike any of the Thunderbird Conservation Park Trails searching for a "Manny Rock" that my mom has thoughtfully placed there. Thunderbird Mountain Hiking Trails

Have fun on your journey to finding your best self. Namaste friends.

Waves

                  

I can relate so much to the waves in these photos. My grief feels like an ocean wave. It subsides (never really goes away) and then returns unexpectedly, with a load crash. I can't help but stop these stinging pains of sadness that creep in, sometimes for no apparent reason. A picture, a song, a breeze, a beautiful moment with my boys, all of these can spark such intense emotions for me. I miss my brother. 

The beautiful ocean waves, the remarkable smile on Manny's face and the tranquility the beach brings all help me to remain centered. Remembering the bigger picture. Manny brought us light, love and peace. His free loving spirit is what I need to focus on and follow now more than ever. Maybe it's time to plan a trip to the beach? Or, maybe it is too soon...

It....Is...Over

It is over and it was hard! I am referring to Christmas. I have been dreading this holiday since my brother's passing and it was everything I had anticipated. The worst part about it was that the sadness didn't subside. I thought I would feel a sense of relief once the holiday was over but I didn't. I still have this emptiness...this hole. I did hear that the pain doesn't ever get easier but it gets better. This is my new normal. My families new normal and it sucks.

Although our new normal isn't ideal, and definitely not what I envisioned for my family,  I still thank God for these blessings in this photo. They are what continue and will continue to keep me sane during this season and every other season to follow. They definitely have my brother's light shining through them and for that I am eternally grateful. 

                                                                             

The First Few Days

This is going to seem like a jumbled post, it even feels jumbled as I am writing it. But, this photo brings up a whole mix of memories.

This is such a sad photo for me. My son, Charlie, actually took this with his iPad a few days after my brother's passing. It's not very easy to tell but I have my brother's dog, Scout, curled up in my arms while I am napping. This photo brings me back to the events that occurred weeks after my brother going to heaven. Although most of it was a blur, a few things stand out that I feel compelled to share. I remember...

• I remember the night that we found out about Manny's accident, my other brother Jimmy, began staying at our house. It brought me such comfort having him there...I believe it brought us all comfort. He stayed for a few days and the peace that it brought was priceless.
• I remember my mom and her Fiancé, Jim, would come over right when they woke up in the morning and would stay until it was time to go to bed in the evening. I even remember Jim taking naps on our couch. He  and my husband were amazing through all of this. They were busy making the phone calls and arrangements that my mom and I were unable to. 
• I remember my mom and I would sit at my kitchen table staring at our computers trying to plan my brother's memorial. I remember feeling so flustered and not even knowing where to start. We had so many things started but never knew how to complete them. We were lost.
• I remember hating the evenings, when I knew it was time for my mom to go home. I despised the quiet, the silence. It was the time when I had to face the reality.
• I remember finding peace sitting outside by the pool. I would wait for everyone to go to bed and just sit with my feet dangling in the water and cry. That was my first experience with "moon beams."
• I remember also finding comfort in my son's room. I vividly recall reminding myself that if I miss Manny, I could go into Charlie’s room and cuddle with him. I felt my brother's presence so strongly in there, and that was always nice to have a "go to" if I was awoken with sadness.

Those days were awful. I needed my family more in those weeks than I have ever needed anyone more in my entire life. This picture reminds me....reminds me of the pain, but it also reminds me to take it one day at a time. I am strong and although our triangle is broken it once existed and it will exist again.