It....Is...Over

It is over and it was hard! I am referring to Christmas. I have been dreading this holiday since my brother's passing and it was everything I had anticipated. The worst part about it was that the sadness didn't subside. I thought I would feel a sense of relief once the holiday was over but I didn't. I still have this emptiness...this hole. I did hear that the pain doesn't ever get easier but it gets better. This is my new normal. My families new normal and it sucks.

Although our new normal isn't ideal, and definitely not what I envisioned for my family,  I still thank God for these blessings in this photo. They are what continue and will continue to keep me sane during this season and every other season to follow. They definitely have my brother's light shining through them and for that I am eternally grateful. 

                                                                             

The First Few Days

This is going to seem like a jumbled post, it even feels jumbled as I am writing it. But, this photo brings up a whole mix of memories.

This is such a sad photo for me. My son, Charlie, actually took this with his iPad a few days after my brother's passing. It's not very easy to tell but I have my brother's dog, Scout, curled up in my arms while I am napping. This photo brings me back to the events that occurred weeks after my brother going to heaven. Although most of it was a blur, a few things stand out that I feel compelled to share. I remember...

• I remember the night that we found out about Manny's accident, my other brother Jimmy, began staying at our house. It brought me such comfort having him there...I believe it brought us all comfort. He stayed for a few days and the peace that it brought was priceless.
• I remember my mom and her Fiancé, Jim, would come over right when they woke up in the morning and would stay until it was time to go to bed in the evening. I even remember Jim taking naps on our couch. He  and my husband were amazing through all of this. They were busy making the phone calls and arrangements that my mom and I were unable to. 
• I remember my mom and I would sit at my kitchen table staring at our computers trying to plan my brother's memorial. I remember feeling so flustered and not even knowing where to start. We had so many things started but never knew how to complete them. We were lost.
• I remember hating the evenings, when I knew it was time for my mom to go home. I despised the quiet, the silence. It was the time when I had to face the reality.
• I remember finding peace sitting outside by the pool. I would wait for everyone to go to bed and just sit with my feet dangling in the water and cry. That was my first experience with "moon beams."
• I remember also finding comfort in my son's room. I vividly recall reminding myself that if I miss Manny, I could go into Charlie’s room and cuddle with him. I felt my brother's presence so strongly in there, and that was always nice to have a "go to" if I was awoken with sadness.

Those days were awful. I needed my family more in those weeks than I have ever needed anyone more in my entire life. This picture reminds me....reminds me of the pain, but it also reminds me to take it one day at a time. I am strong and although our triangle is broken it once existed and it will exist again. 

Relax....Loosen Up

I don’t know who else needs to hear this besides me but, “relax...loosen up.” One of the many things I have learned through my brother's passing is not to take life too seriously. This was such a fun moment with my brother when we were working on our pores, and I remember my mom snapping this photo. I begged her not to tag me in on the post because of the way I looked. She didn't tag me but she did post it...and I am so glad she did. Look at our smiles! Life is too short to worry about the filters. Embracing life through the memory of Manny and reminding myself to continue working on my inner smile. 

Important Interactions

 

         

My mom had a really insightful comment yesterday and I do not even think she truly grasped the deepness in which her comment landed. We were talking a couple days ago about my relationship with Manny, about how hard I was on him. There would be things he would tell my mom and make sure that she didn't tell me. In fear of disappointing me. I was hard on Manny and most importantly Manny was hard on himself. I was never the "fun" sister. I was, like I have said before, the second mom. I took my job as an older sister very seriously from the get go. Being a total and complete tattle tale on both of my brother's antics. It wasn't to be the whiny older sister though. It was because I cared. I am a very passionate person. I always have been. I love hard and I am devoted to my family and making sure that they strive to reach their full potential. 

 After that conversation with my mom, I started to have some regrets on my relationship with my brother. Was I too hard on him? Did he know how proud I was of him? Did he know that there was never a problem that he would encounter that I wouldn't be there to help him fix? Did he know I was never disappointed in him? Did he know that his mistakes were nothing more than anyone else in our family has faced? After bringing this back up again with my mom, she said, "That is the way you were meant to be with Manny. If you would have been any other way you would have regretted that." Wow. She is completely right. If I would have been the "fun" sister, I would have always wondered if my lax behavior didn't help my brothers to become the best version of themselves.  

I always knew that are our relationships and connections that we have in life are meant to be. After my moms comment, I realized how much our own behavior toward others are meant to be. The way we treat others has more of an impact than we realize. We may never know why God places people into our life the way he does but we have to trust that it isn't by coincidence.

One....Day...At...A...Time

 

One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. I have repeated this phrase over and over again. There have been terribly sad moments in the last few days. Moments that just hit me out of the blue. If I let my mind wander and think about all the upcoming occasions that my brother will not be here for I get lost. Lost in a mix of emotions. The feeling of bitterness is strong. I get bitter and upset at the lost opportunities that I no longer get experience with my brother. It's hard not to feel like it's just not fair...

 It's in those moments that I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. To not focus too much on the missed out opportunities but the past moments together, the upcoming beautiful opportunities to come, and even the moments right now. 

This picture was the last photo I took with my brother. It is painful to look at. But it reminds me of the love we shared. I was so very pregnant and Manny just thought it was wild! I remember him saying, "That's so crazy sis, you have a human growing in you." Manny just loved love, he loved nature and he loved wonder and I loved that about my brother. His enthusiasm for the the miracles of life and the beauty of our world was inspiring.  I miss you Manny.

Moments That Were Not Pictured

 You never know when your moment is going to change into a moment of deep sadness. When your thoughts will change to tears. Tears that are uncontrollable, for the lack of better words, "ugly cry." I cannot imagine that I am the only one that feels this way while grieving the loss of a loved one. These pictures below were posted in the particular order in which they were taken. I wanted to be completely candid and aware/appreciative of the ordinary moments. The moments that I am so grateful to have pictures of. Even though the moments might not be the most flattering of me, they are me, they are my life, my beautiful life. 

I was surrounded by such sadness today when I thought of the pictures that I had with my brother. Particularly the three of us (Jimmy, Manny, and me).  I couldn't help but feel guilt, guilt for not taking as many pictures as I could. Little did I know that those memories would be what I hold onto so dearly today. I started to go into a dark place this afternoon. While reflecting on my lack of picture taking with my brother,  I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming sense to not focus on the photos so much as the memories. I hope that is true. I am just so afraid of forgetting such precious moments with my brother. Lesson to all, take the pictures.

 No...I don't know if that advice is right. I feel a strong pull to just be in the moment. To not always be the one taking the pictures, to take a step back and enjoy the moment.

There are so many amazing moments that I had with my brother that were never pictured and I have to believe that that's okay. As long as I don't forget them as the years pass. Lord, Manny, friends, and family, I call on your help to keep Manny's memory alive and to help us all remember those irreplaceable moments. The moments that were not pictured.

My Mantra

 Do you believe in the above statement?  I am not sure how I feel about it. But for some reason my mantra this week has been strength. I can't help but starting to notice myself becoming physically strong as a result of my daily yoga practice. Since my Sedona trip in August, I have not missed a day of my morning yoga. The beautiful thing about yoga is it also makes me feel mentally strong. Connecting and building my mind, body, and soul. Lately, I have been whispering to myself, "I am strong." It may sound silly but if you haven't whispered a positive mantra to yourself I highly recommend trying it. I am honestly not sure who or what is giving me this inner strength. But I will take it,  hold it tight, and use some as a reserve to pull from it when the feelings start to shift...and they will. I often wonder,  am I grieving properly? I worry about what type of grieving is to come. Am I still numb? Is the reality going to hit me and completely break me? I understand that everybody grieves differently and I obviously have never had a loss in this way. I am just hoping that this inner strength is not a facade, a trick I am playing on myself to escape the painful reality. I don't know. All I know right now is today I am strong.

           

My Saving Grace

               

This little nugget pictured here will never truly understand how much he has been my saving grace, our saving grace. In his first year of life, we have experienced a pandemic and the devastating loss of my brother. Amidst all of that tragedy, he keeps my heart smiling...beating. His energy is so pure and welcoming. When Oliver smiles, he smiles with his entire soul and his mischievous personality is everything my family needs. He completes the Garrett household. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be his mother. Thank you for placing him into my arms at just the right moment, when you knew my world would feel like it was crashing down. Happy birthday my sweet Oliver! Thank you for putting the breath back into my lungs 

                       

Before You Go

 

This blog is two fold. 

Let's start with my drive to work. The song above, although extremely popular right now, continues to play just at the right moments. Well actually, very sad, intimate moments. Moments, for example, when I am driving by myself on my way to work. "So, before you go." Those lyrics speak to me. What I wouldn't give to have a few more moments with Manny. I am not even sure I would know what to say if I did have the opportunity to say something, "before you go." The blessing with my family is that we always expressed our love for one another. We never left without embracing and saying, "I love you." That is why I am torn. What would I say to Manny? Even saying that statement makes my heart ache. I may not even say anything...just be with him, hug him and again tell him how much I love him. No, I take that back. I would tell him how proud I am of him and what an amazing human being he has grown up to be.

This song and many others that play are subtle reminders that my brother is with me/us.  Is it always going to be such sad, painful reminders that he is not here? Will there ever be a time when you remember a loved one and it brings a smile to your face rather than a painful emptiness in your heart?

And now on a more positive, less painful note. These students pictured will never understand how much they have given me. Chatting with them or holding the other end of the jump rope at recess has been incredibly therapeutic. I am so incredibly thankful for this rewarding position and the eye opener that these children have provided.  They have helped  remind me why I love with my job. 

Connected by Energy

"Your Soul Family, are those that are tuned into your frequency. You sense a strong connection beyond blood or race; you're connected by energy and vibration. Through quantum communication, they intuitively answer your silent call and show up bringing unconditional love and support at the perfect times. You share an understanding …they just get you and what you're thinking about. For those people, be thankful...they are just your reminders from the Universe that on the deepest level of our existence, we are One."

-Kianu Starr

This quote spoke to me for many different reasons and it's words are so powerful that it doesn't require much explanation. I obviously feel such a strong spiritual connection to my brother's energy I always have. I am trying everyday to understand and accept that our connection has changed.  We now have a connection that we can no longer see but can feel.

I also want to acknowledge the other beautiful people in my life. There are people in this world that no matter the distance (literally and figuratively) they are there, bringing unconditional love and support at the perfect time. Below is a picture from one of my dear friends from high school. Although we are separated by distance, we remain connected. Her and her sweet family carved this pumpkin for my brother. Such a sweet reminder of all of the people to be thankful for. Thank you Stefanie Ellis for your continued messages and loving ways to honor my brother. 

Words Without Tears

Have you ever started a conversation off strong and then got that horrible ache in your throat and not be able to continue? That is how many, if not almost all of my conversations about Manny go. I absolutely love talking about him but that also comes with such deep sadness. I do not want people to think that because I often cannot say his name without tearing up that I do not want to mention him. Quite the contrary. It honestly doesn't make me feel any worse or more sad bringing him up throughout my day.  However, I do get self conscious about whether or  not I can get a story or a statement out without crying. I feel fragile....vulnerable.

Yesterday was a prime example.  I was sharing a story with my students about an owl that we saw on our family walk. It was an incredibly large creature that was hanging out on the street pole and we noticed him while coming home from visiting Manny's tree at the park. The students knew exactly what park I was talking about and just as I was getting ready to share with them that there is a tree there in honor of my brother...I couldn't. The fear of even one tear streaming down my face in front of my students scared me. I know it is okay to cry, it is in fact good for my own children to see me cry. It shows them about deep love, deep sorrow, and most importantly that I am still going to be okay. That crying is okay. That missing Manny is okay.

Stages of Grief

This is by far my favorite visual that I have found about the stages of grief. I have been trying to do a lot of reading...who am I kidding, Googling, on the stages.  Trying to make sense of my roller coaster feelings. I often feel like I go through all five stages in one day, one hour sometimes. I even think I have additional stages thrown into the mix.

Just yesterday, I was driving home and I thought to myself, "What would I do if Manny was just at my house hanging out.Giving me a big hug with laughter saying he's sorry, he was just kidding (not really gone to heaven) and his joke got out of hand.” Not a healthy thought I know, and I was trying to make sense of why I would even imagine such a scenario. The only stage I could think of was denial. Which terrified me. Before I saw the visual above, I thought denial was the first stage of grief and I was like, "Oh boy! I am back at the beginning!" 

What is weird about my scenario that I painted for myself, was when I called to tell my mom she had a similar thought earlier in the morning. We both obviously know that our imaginative situations are not true and maybe even not healthy for us. What I find ironic is that we had them on the exact same day. Either 1. We are very in tune to each other 2. Going through a very similar grief cycle or 3. both losing our minds. Maybe a mixture of all three? In all seriousness though, what I am learning is that each day is different, each hour is different, each moment is different. I am living in the never ending cycle of grief but I am making it through with a lot of support and love.

 

Emotional Roller Coaster

 I literally feel like such an emotional roller coaster but I’m assuming that’s normal considering the circumstances. Today and a little bit of yesterday I have felt so much peace. I’m not sure if it is the spiritual conversation/connection that I had with my dear friend Courtney and a mixture of just my brother’s powering presence... but ill take it!  I feel my brother’s energy so much. Not necessarily in the traditional form.. through dreams or anything of that nature. Not to disregard those signs for others because I firmly believe in any and all signs. Actually, I feel like sometimes describing my signs to others cheapens them because they can’t fully understand the “feeling” that comes during the sign. 

My husband hiked camelback today to drop off some of Manny’s Rocks and he said something so empowering after the hike. When he was at the highest peak he felt the closest he would be to Manny. I loved that! A similar comment was made by my mom  when Autumn went sky diving, “She’s up the in clouds with Manny.” So beautiful and profound. Yet, I feel him right here. Next to me. With me. Which brings me peace, yet saddens me at the same time. Confusing to some I know, but the best way I can explain it.

The underlying statement that I want to make is I know my brother is here, I know he hears my prayers to him. I just have to get past the selfishness that encompasses my mourning.